[personal profile] psifi872
[New World Pictures Logo shows, flashing red and black stripes in closeup that form into a sphere.]

"Black, red, black, red, black, red. Two of my favorite colors, but this logo is boring as shit. PLAY THE PICTURE ALREADY!"

[The words "Clive Barker's Hellraiser" appears on the screen.]

"Yeah, thanks for that, I'd totally forgotten what dvd I'd put in!"

[Orchestral music plays.]

"Nice tune. Very catchy. Bound to be in the top forty any time now."

[The puzzle box appears on screen.]

"Oooooo, look what Santa left for some naughty boy or girl."

[Man kneels, half naked, alone, in a ring of candles with the box.]

"If you want a hot time, pal, it helps to have company."

[Man solves puzzle box and hooks spring out, digging into his flesh, as he screams.]

"Heheheheheheh. That's what happens, when you get hooked on stuff!"

[Cenobytes pick through man's remains, placing the pieces of his face next to each other on the floor.]

"Whoa. I guess jigsaw applies to this scene in more ways than one. Bad way to go, pal." *snort of laughter*

[Man and woman enter house. Man says, "We'll soon get it warmed up and feeling like a home."]

"HAHAAHHAHAHAH That's kinky, even for me! Can't say I ever felt up a house before. I like you."

[Camera focuses on statue of Herod's daughter, holding a platter with John the Baptist's head. Christmas lights make a circle behind the statue.]

"Well, someone had interesting taste in home decor. Kinda glad this isn't the dining room, know what I mean?"

[Man and woman, Julie, argue. She starts to head upstairs and he whispers shit vehemently.]

"Relax, fella. If you're planning to move in, she was bound to see the upstairs eventually."

OOoooo, nice taste in porn, Frankie buddy!

Time to cut the umbilical cord, dad, though....hubba hubba! I'm all for keeping her around, too!

OOooo, yeah, get it on, Frankie buddy!

She's getting nailed in the past and you're about to get "nailed" in the present. Oooo, that hurts!

Heheheheheh Welcome back, Frankie. You're a mess, pal.

It knows your naaaaaaame, Julia! Yeah, don't look. He's not at his best, even for a dead guy.

You need help, Frankie, but I'm not sure your babe is up to it.

Keep it together, Jules.

Anything. Not a smart way to make a bargain, babes. How good can the guy be?

Kirsty, babes, this ain't Elm Street. What's with the feathers? Are you afraid of chickens??

Dude, if you're gonna perv on your niece, at least wait until you have some flesh.

You poor guy. She didn't even let you get to second base! Jules, that's just rude. He deserves something for getting fed to your boyfriend.

Whaa? You couldn't use all of him? Nice mess you left there, Frankie. Sheesh and people call me a slob.

Frankie, my man, even I think that's a bit much. Get a bit more skin, before expecting the living gal to put out for you! On the other hand, I know some dead chicks who wouldn't be bothered.

Huh. Guy has the same tastes as me. Gotta admit, those bugs look tasty.

You weren't careful enough, pal. Honestly, haven't none of these guys heard of man eaters? Okay, technically, she's not doing the eating, but still.

How the hell did you manage to get that jaded in less than fifty years, Frankie buddy? Gotta admire your dedication, but there's something to be said for just plain old sex, booze, music, and food.

Settle down, Frankie boy.

Larry, Larry. I know you're married to her, but that's no reason to actually trust the gal.

Ooooo, Frankie, that's kinda mean. What'd rats ever do to you?

Whoops. Frankie, you ass, you interrupted the sex to cut up a rat?? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

HA, busted, ya little man eater, you. Guess it's better than feeding your hubby to his own brother, though.

Ya know, Frankie, you've really been gaining more clothes than flesh, with all these deaths. You're ruining all those boring suits.

You're her uncle, not her daddy. Kirsty girl, you need to run. Uh, yeah, no, that's not a good thing to use as a weapon.

The hell does a carnation have to do with anything??

Yes, good girl, have a pat on the head. You woke up all by yourself!

Uh, that's not a music box, girlie. Ooooo, babes, you're in trouble now.

If you were dead and had your own juice, you could mess up the fish/scorpion guy.

Well, yeah, obviously not just a puzzle box, Kirsty babes. Most of those don't open magic doors.

Opening that box was definitely a mistake, babes. Yo, Pinhead. Heh You drive an even harder bargain than me!

Bye, Larry. You seem a decent sort...boring, too.

Whoops. They're baa-aaaaack. Kirsty, babes, you don't take hints very well.

Ah, now you're getting it. Way to give yourself away, Frankie.

Well, better the man eater than the hot chick, anyways. Sheesh, Frankie, you're not very good at this.

Who keeps a statue of Jesus in a cupboard?? I got more respect and I'm KNOWN for mocking authority.

Maggots don't work that way. It's like the dude is a prop in some funhouse.

Dear old Uncle Frank is about to get his ass kicked. Buddy, you are not even the baddest ass in this movie.

You know it's gonna get bad, when something like a Cenobyte warns you to not look. Kirsty, babes, take the hint and run. There ya go. Smart move.

Yeah, you go ahead and do that, babes. I don't think you're into his scene.

Oh, it's Return of the Fish Thingie! Box, box, whose got the box?

C'mon, babes, before your boyfriend gets killed, hahaha.

What a waste of a good haunted house! REAL ESTATE AIN'T EASY FOR GHOSTS TO COME BY, YOU ASSES.

Good idea, babes, but if you do that, there won't be a sequel.

Yeah, thought so.
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